conscious coupling

remember months & months ago reading in the news
 about gwyneth paltrow splitting from chris martin ?
it was literally last MARCH and i couldn't quite get it out 
of my mind. i have thought about it so often since, and this
post has been in my drafts for a long time. finally i decided,
why not just post it? this is something that i care about.

not because i care that a celebrity couple is getting

divorced, but because of how they announced it
and what it normalizes to everyone else. like you

 can see below, the title of the post announcing 
the split on gwyneth's website was titled:

gwyneth normally can do no wrong in my eyes,

but here she failed me. she didn't make this up,

this term was coined by a therapist...but she used

it to announce her divorce and it was all over the

internet... & i still see it. while i understand the train of 

thought behind it, i don't think i can ever support

or agree with what it's saying and how it was used.

i know that people change and marriage is hard...

............but isn't that kind of the point of it?

of course some situations merit ending a relationship. 

plenty of my closest friends and family have ended

relationships and marriages for good reason.

 it's not about that at all. we're talking about 

this specific idea that it is completely okay just

to grow apart slowly and "consciously uncouple."

 this phrase makes it seem so normal, so 

routine, so expected. a lot of time, people try

everything they can to make things work, and

it still doesn't despite all of their efforts. they end

up with the worst kind of heartbreak i can imagine.

this is why to consciously do this and "uncouple" seems 

so sad and bizarre to me. it caters to a world with a 

short attention span. it basically wants us to think of our 

spouse as someone to point out all the negatives in us

until it's time to be on our own. it justifies focusing on 

ourselves and promotes growing apart over time. what????

it would even make more a little sense to me if it was to

"unconsciously uncouple" because at least you didn't mean to!

if anything, the

popular phrase should be

conscious coupling.

it should be our highest priority

to work at our marriages

and relationships and move

toward coming closer rather

than accepting that people just

aren't meant to be together forever.

i'll stand first in line and tell you that in

just a little over two years of marriage, we've

had some highs and lows. from fighting about

the silliest of matters to important things, we've

had disagreements and fights and silent treatments

(my specialty :) ...we've learned things about each other

that we didn't know before we were married, and we've 

each changed a lot, formed new opinions, and evolved.

i hope that we always continue to change! it means we're

growing, having new experiences, and becoming who we

want to be. but that doesn't mean our love changes. it

especially doesn't mean our commitment to our love changes.

people may have different opinions on this, and i welcome them!

i love other ideas and disagreements and conversations. i just cannot 

hear something become widely accepted that so goes against

everything i believe in and not express my own thoughts on the other

side of it. as in love with chase as i am, our highter commitment and tie is

what truly binds us together. we've made promises to each other, and to God

and i'm so grateful that we don't have any excuses to give up or think

for one second that we're not in it for the long run. that's unfair if you ask me.

gwyneth, i still think you're a babe. and i understand that when you're

a celebrity this was probably an easier + cleaner way to announce some

sad news to the world. but just know, it didn't fool all of us. :)

i'm not trying to say that everyone should be married and put up with

bad things and stay together no matter what. i'm just saying that for me,

i'd rather be on the consciously coupling side of things. with my friends,

family, and especially my spouse, i'd rather keep working at every relationship

and put all my effort into making sure nothing is slowly slipping away.

when hard things happen, i want to grow closer rather than separate.

i want to hear your ideas on "consciously coupling!" how do you consciously

make an effort to grow your relationships? is it sometimes easier to let

things slip? for sure. but it is so worth it to work at things day by day so

we can enjoy them in the long run. i KNOW that at the end of my life

(and after) i plan to be with my sweetheart and loved ones, 

not uncoupled away from them. so i'll do everything i can now

to make sure of it. it won't ever be perfect, but let's strive to be

on this side of things -- and stand up for our relationships!

they can't be consciously uncoupled away, thank you very much!

///

one or two thoughts on how we can 

consciously couple..

"let's fall in love"

marriage is falling in love over and over again,

always with the same person. notice new things

about them, embrace ways they change and grow,

and fall in love with the new version of them over and

over again! think of it this way and it never gets boring :)

you're on a lifetime date.

one of the perks of being married is being comfortable 

and hanging out in the kitchen making cookies on a friday

night (trust me, i would know! :) BUT, no matter where you

are or what you're doing, remember you're on a lifetime date.

think: "oh! i'm on a date! i need to plan fun things and focus on

the positive and be cute." never ever forget what life was like

when you were dating ---- this keeps the spark alive!

////

lastly, 

view marriage and love as an adventure. 

of course things will change, but in my mind i'm bought in for the 

grey hairs, the mortgages, the hard times, the amazing times, the 

raising kids, the messes, the job changes, the craziness, all of it. i 

wouldn't want to miss out on growing old together with my best friend 

just because we both changed a little through life. change together!

marry me. 

let’s spend our week nights eating pasta on the couch

when there is a perfectly fine table in the other room.

we can go to the movies and sit in the back row

and flirt like it's our first date.

marry me.

one day we’ll paint the rooms of our house,

and get more paint on us than the walls.

we can hold hands and go to parties we end up 

ditching to eat brownies in bed at home.

marry me.

and slow dance with me in our bedroom

with an unmade bed and candles on the nightstand.

let me love you forever.

marry me.

my marriage is the most beautiful 

part of my life. any great food or 

amazing new city i visit is only 

exciting because i get to share it

with chase t. rigby. i work on -- and

think about -- and love our relationship

so much, and that's why i was offended

hearing the idea of purposely growing 

apart from a spouse. sorry chase,

you're stuck with me! :) that's why i 

had to write these thoughts out,

so thanks for indulging me

{if you made it all the way to 

the bottom of this long long post!}

here's to being conscious about our

loves and interests and passions..

and keeping them alive :)

i still love you, gwyneth!

xo